She rests beneath the willow tree, and dreams
Of girls with golden hair, each filament
A symphony: the lustrous horns, the gleams
Of incandescent strings, the rich dissent
Of gilded drums, each beat a benediction
Replete with lambent leaf. Those floating strands
Eclipse the sun, a fictive crucifixion
Anointing light with light athwart the lands
Of sunny, florid dream. The filagree
Slips free and drifts away, while slow she stirs,
And all about her fades. The willow tree
Is grey, a glum and foggy shade that spurs
Her back to dream, where her pre-Raphaelite
Exemplar smiles, its bare quintessence bright.
2 comments:
Still tweaking, perhaps. I originally had "aureate" instead of "florid," even though it's a dactyl not a trochee; I figured I could force it by slurring the second two syllables, and I didn't love the "aureate dream" phrase. Tossed it, went with "florid," which matches to "athwart," "dream," "filagree," and "slips free," so maybe it's for the best. I also am not sure if I want "smiles" or "beams" in the last line. The first choice is more natural and rhymes with the endings of the couplet, but the second flows better with "Exemplar." Yet I am unsure, because it rhymes to sharply with "dream." Must think it over, although this version feels done. Also experimenting with feminine endings. Hope they work. :)
Oh, but this is rather special to me, because the first sonnet I could get any inspiration for this morning (and have yet to finish, unfortunately) is about a willow tree! I was so surprised when I saw you had chosen it too, but on a bit of a different angle, afterall, mine has yellow in it too, hahaha, oh brother! Can this be a case where great minds think alike, or just amazing coincidence?
Oooh, you were going to use "aureate"?! La, but I have been wanting to use that word for some time now, but cannot find a good fit as yet. Florid connoted to me those overweight rosy gentlemen who were mayhap not so cheerful or a countenance not so happy. Used here it signifies something beautiful, enlarging my definition of the word.
I love your word choice and imagery, it is fantastic in the delicacy it offers the mind. Light dances so richly and sweetly throughout this lovely gem, only hiding its face when the willow seems dismally grey.
The concluding couplet adds that lacy flourish in the suggestion of pre-Raphealite. I probably would have used beam all too readily for the internal rhyming with dream, and Mr. Main might have had trouble with beam owing to "bright" coming shortly after it in the line. "Smile" has one connotation and "beam" is a portion of it, much more weighty in the pleased expression, but with light as well as more seemingly a golden glow being the apparent theme, "beam" while all too fitting might have, at least for me, have been misunderstood whereas smile more readily communicates the pleasure.
Superb and excellent. I really like it!
Post a Comment